This confuses me. I’m talking about medication for depression and anxiety, ie “happy pills” and the various therapies available.

I used the example before about having a broken leg. You would be taken to hospital, have it x-rayed, realigned if necessary and put in plaster. I fully understand that there is alot more to it than that, but at the base level everyone would be in agreement that the leg is broken and they would agree on a plan of action.

However when its your mind that is broken it’s a completely different. It seems like no one can agree on treatment. Over the years I have been seen by many different doctors and mental health professionals. They all seem to have a different take on what to do. Some just want to give you happy pills and leave you to get on with it. Some don’t think pills work and want you to have therapy. Others suggest a combination of both. Personally I think the combination works best. Medication can help with the intense overwhelming feelings and therapy can address the root cause (hopefully).

There are so many different medications available and it is trial and error to find one that helps. The problem I have had with medication that works is, as soon as I feel better I stop taking it (I know I’m not the only one that does this). Unfortunately my doctors can’t even agree on what dosage I should be on. Roughly two months ago I was started on sertraline, 50mg. This was then increased to 100mg and then 150mg. Now it has been reduced back down to 50mg incase that is what has been making me feel worse. What chance have I got if the doctors can’t agree on the dose I should be on?

Next up is the minefield of therapy. There are many different types available. So, first you have to decide (and pay for) the one which you think will help you. Then there is the issue of, what if I don’t like or agree with my therapist? Do I find another one or stick with them? The of course there is the waiting time. It can take weeks or even months to be referred. The trouble is you can feel better by the time your appointment comes through, cancel it only to feel bad again in a few weeks time.

I don’t want to feel like I do now ever again. I can’t describe how dreadful I feel. I am however determined to find out how to get myself better. For now I will hide the fact that my hands are shaking, and I will smile when I see people.