mental health

Mood changes

This literally happens in seconds. I can go from the happiest to the most depressed quicker than flicking a switch. It’s horrible. Just a simple comment from someone and I can feel instantly rejected, alone. This is one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, the one that I hate the most. I can deal with the depression, thats a constant plane, but the mood swings are on a whole different level. With my diagnosis, at least I have an understanding of what is going on inside my mind. I have a way of learning to overcome or at least live with this. It does not define who I am.

I find it hard to explain what this all actually feels like. Alongside my anxiety,  I have a burning inside my head, my heart races and I feel threatened, alone, empty. For years it has felt like I had no control with these thoughts and feelings, I now know thats not true. Its a case of going with the feelings, acknowledging that they are there and letting them go. Sounds easy right? Well after years of thinking “this is just how I am”, its going to take some time to change. Watch me, I will change, trust me

I watched an amazing video on twitter last night by the former hollyoaks actor Joe Tracini. He has made lots of videos explaining what it is like to live with borderline personality disorder. I encourage you to check him out. He can explain it far better than I can.

Feel good

Acts of kindness

You know, these little things that cost nothing but make a big difference.

Sunday morning I finally got around to cleaning the inside of my car. Luckily I’m up to date with my tetanus injections as it had been a while. Its a bit of a mission as I live in a top floor flat.

I moved the car out of my allocated space to just outside the main entrance to the flats, there is a power point just inside the door. I vacuumed the car, dressed the interior with some lovely smelling auto glymn and cleaned the windows. Perfect. Then, as I went to start the car…….click……the fu%*ing battery was flat…again!! Its had a new battery and everything checked, so this should not keep happening.

Now, I could push the car back to my allocated space, but I could see it ending badly. Fortunately my lovely neighbour Pat was at home. I sheepishly asked if I could borrow her car to jump start mine. “Of course dear” she said and gave me the keys. An act of kindness. Immediate problem solved.

I have since been in contact with peugeot and have been told there was a factory recall on my car in 2017. Ecu needs updating to fix smart charging issues!!! It’s booked in.

My lifelong friend Mason came later on on we took the battery off, he took it home with him to charge it up. Another act of kindness. I have been helping him and his family by doing some shopping for them (when I feel up to getting out of bed), as they are shielding.

Mason brought the battery back yesterday and we got the car going. A further act of kindness.

Just as we got the car started I heard a friendly “hello from Pat”. I didn’t think she was at home because her car wasn’t there. It turns out it was at the garage having a puncture repaired. My turn to repay the kindness of her lending me her car. I gave her a lift to the garage.

None of the above cost a great deal of money, but make a big difference to people. It’s nice to be able to repay someone’s kindness.