mental health

Chemical warfare

Thats whats going on inside my brain right now. Over the past few weeks the dose of my sertraline has changed from 50mg to 100mg to 150mg down to 50mg and now back to 100mg. Surely this can’t be good for me? The trouble is, when you call your doctors you always speak to someone different. Some believe in anxiety medication, while others don’t. I need consistency.

Sertraline belongs to a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. A class of drugs is a group of medications that work in a similar way. These drugs are often used to treat similar conditions.This drug works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in your brain, that helps maintain mental health balance. This can improve the symptoms of depression and anxiety. By changing the dose so much my brain must think what the hell is going on!

If the medical “professionals” can’t agree on the right treatment program, what chance do I have? The last two days for me have not been good. I haven’t wanted to leave me flat. It’s a shame because apparently the weather is lovely. I guess I should open my curtains really.

I’m pushing myself today. I’m going to go out on my bike and see some friends. I really wish I knew what has brought my current “episode” on. I’ve never been this bad before and I’m determined to never get like this again. As soon as everything has settled down hopefully I will have a clearer picture in my mind.

Not doing much to bulletproof myself am I?

mental health

Bed day/bad day

Yup, that’s today. I feel dreadful. Overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I’m laying in bed so I’m not in any danger or stressful situation. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have to take my car to the Peugeot dealers today, I wouldn’t leave my flat. Any offers to take it??

So, I’ll try to describe how this feels. I have a burning feeling in my head caused by the constant rush of adrenaline. My heart is racing. My hands are shaking. I feel sick and exhausted. Feeling like this has never lasted this long before and I’ve certainly never felt it when just laying in my bed.

I wish I could sleep until this is all over. Its horrible. I just want to get back to the usual in control, confident me that I am when I feel well. I’m still convinced that part of these intense feelings are caused by the sertraline. They have never lasted this long before.

It can only get better.

my life

I never

I never thought I would share my deepest darkest thoughts with my therapist, let alone with people I have never met before on a blog post. Yet, here I am, with my raw nerve endings exposed for all to see. For all to judge, for all to laugh at. No-one would believe the shit that goes on inside my head, it’s haunted, but now maybe you have a better understanding of me.

Don’t get me wrong, when I am well, my mind is much calmer, clearer and I am in full control.

I honestly don’t care what most people think of me, just the select few that I let in. These people are the most trusted, loyal and honest people. You know who you are, and I love you.

Today the fog has been clouding everything. Self doubt, self criticism and over whelming anxiety that has stopped me from doing everything that I wanted. I really want to read more, but my concentration is that of a goldfish. Although I don’t want to wish my time away, I want today to be over, so I can start over again tomorrow. It will be better, it has to be.

If I had my time all over again would I change anything? Absolutely not. I am exactly who I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am meant to be doing. The break ups, the breakdowns, the challenges, the good times and the bad times have all made me what I am today. A little broken and slightly crazy, but uniquely me. I wouldn’t want to trade places with anyone.

mental health

Mood changes

This literally happens in seconds. I can go from the happiest to the most depressed quicker than flicking a switch. It’s horrible. Just a simple comment from someone and I can feel instantly rejected, alone. This is one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, the one that I hate the most. I can deal with the depression, thats a constant plane, but the mood swings are on a whole different level. With my diagnosis, at least I have an understanding of what is going on inside my mind. I have a way of learning to overcome or at least live with this. It does not define who I am.

I find it hard to explain what this all actually feels like. Alongside my anxiety,  I have a burning inside my head, my heart races and I feel threatened, alone, empty. For years it has felt like I had no control with these thoughts and feelings, I now know thats not true. Its a case of going with the feelings, acknowledging that they are there and letting them go. Sounds easy right? Well after years of thinking “this is just how I am”, its going to take some time to change. Watch me, I will change, trust me

I watched an amazing video on twitter last night by the former hollyoaks actor Joe Tracini. He has made lots of videos explaining what it is like to live with borderline personality disorder. I encourage you to check him out. He can explain it far better than I can.

mental health

Just existing

Thats all it feels I’m doing right now, I’m not alive at all. Where has my energy gone. Where is my enthusiasm? Don’t get me wrong, I do have moments of “aliveness ” but they are few and far between. I need to find my spark, my mojo, my passion.

My mind is more of a prison than concrete and steel could ever be, I’m currently serving a life sentence. Surely I’m due parole soon?

It feels strange to be sharing this all publicly instead of just writing in one of my many notebooks. Those will always remain private.

One positive came yesterday. I managed to watch and engage in a whole film!! Thats a first for weeks. It was the dark web film I blogged about yesterday. I have spent a large part of today (when actually awake) researching about the dark web and the deep web. It’s fascinating but at the same time scarey stuff. Just what I like. I’d love to go on tor and have a look for myself. Maybe in a library, one day.

I also managed to go out on my hybrid bike yesterday. Only five miles, but better than nothing. My fitness has dropped massively. I can’t wait for the gym to reopen. I’m also hoping that my b12 jab will kick in soon.

Music is my one pleasure at the moment. Currently obsessed with Pearl Jam. I hated them years ago, funny how your taste changes according to where you are in life. I don’t think I will be alive long enough to listen to all the music that I want to, even if I listen when I’m asleep.

I just found a card form a friend in my drawer saying “2020 will be your year”, it’s okay, I have tipex..

mental health

My diagnosis

So here is apparently what is wrong with me and how it affects my daily life.

I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist and told the following. I have borderline personalty disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression. Apart from the above, I have and underactive thyroid and Pernicious anemia, both of which have big effect on mental health.

Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Symptoms of borderline personality include being emotionally unstable, having upsetting thoughts and acting without thinking. The main treatment for borderline personality disorder is a type of talking therapy called psychotherapy. The cause of borderline personality disorder is unclear. It’s been linked to traumatic events during childhood, such as neglect or abuse. Basically, I don’t see and react to people and situations in the same way as most people. Things easily get blown out of all proportion. Its horrible.

Generalised anxiety disorder is where you feel anxious most of the time. Symptoms of generalised anxiety disorder vary from person to person, but include constant worrying, a sense of dread and difficulty concentrating.Things like exercising more and drinking less alcohol can help with generalised anxiety disorder. Treatments include talking therapies and medicines. This can literally consume me. I hide it very well by laughing and joking all the time.

Clinical depression is the more-severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. The feeling of low mood and helplessness can last for months on end. It’s horrible.

An underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) is where your thyroid gland does not produce enough hormones. Common signs of an underactive thyroid are tiredness, weight gain and feeling depressed. One bonus is medical exemption (free prescriptions).

Last but not least is my old friend Pernicious anemia. This is a chronic form of low B12 that can have serious consequences on health if left untreated long-term. However, because symptoms of the condition typically look like other common conditions, it’s often misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety. So not actually linked to anxiety/depression, but presenting similar symptoms.

In summary, I’m fighting an up hill battle. I know there are people far worse off than myself, but I wanted to give you all a little insight.

If you like what you have read, please like, share and follow. Stay positive. Martin.


Take me to church

I was hoping for a lay in. My brain had other ideas. I’d set my alarm for 8am, but I was wide awake at 4am. My mind has decided that I need to feel anxious just laying here in my bed. Thanks alot.

When awake I’m aware of exactly what thoughts enter my mind and bring on the burning wave of fear, but to be woken up by this invisible demon is something else.

On the positive side, the first thing I did was to take my medication, yesterday I forgot until late in the afternoon. I can’t write the whole day off just because of my waking thoughts and feelings.

I need to get out of this cycle of waking in fear, I need to wake feeling positive about myself. I need to do something today that will change my tomorrow.

Hopefully soon my energy will return. I haven’t been for my walk for a couple of weeks.

If it was open, today I would go to church, its peaceful there…….


Just me

Everything to excess with an appetite for destruction, thats always been my way, and why shouldn’t it? I’m only here once right? I don’t do anything by half measures.

I get totally drawn in to people and situations. I go after what I want and do everything I can to get it. I never settle for second best. Maybe its because I’m a firey airies. Its got me into a few scrapes over the years, but I won’t back down from what I believe in.

Love me or hate me I am who I am. I’m working hard to improve myself right now. I can’t change how the world sees me, I can only change how I see the world.

I live my life with a constant theme tune in my head, it changes as my mood does.

What I can do is beat this shitty “illness” one day at a time, and thats exactly what I am doing. Its a long battle, but it won’t beat me.


Rock bottom

The good news now I have finally hit rock bottom is, there is only one way I can go and that is up. It is however a very dark scary place. To wake up everyday and be afraid of your own mind . To feel trapped, suffocated. Its not a place once I’m out, that I ever want to visit ever again.

I had a good catch up with my hypnotherapist yesterday morning which helped me to see things in a better light. He made a very important point, and that is the only person that can get myself better is me. He has given me all the tools I need. I now have to put them all into practice. Alongside this the reduction in my medication the fog should start to lift  from my mind.

I spent most of yesterday in bed. I slept for hours. It was the most peaceful sleep I have had for days. I also managed to sleep the whole night through.

I just want to be able to concentrate on one thing, to be able to focus. I haven’t even been able to watch anything on television and take it in.

I am going to beat this.

I ruled the world
With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground
I laid the gods to restI held the key to the kingdom
Lions guarding castle walls
Hail the king of deathThen I lost it all
Dead and broken my
Backs against the wall
Cut me, open IJust trying to breathe
Just trying to figure it out
Because I built these walls
To watch ’em crumble down
I saidThen I lost it all
Who can save me now?I stood above, another war
Another jewel above the crown
I was the fear of manBut I was blind
I couldn’t see
The world there right in front of me
But now I canYeahBecause I lost it all
Dead and broken my
Backs against the wall
Cut me, open IJust trying to breathe
Just trying to figure it out
Because I built these walls
To watch ’em crumble down
I saidThen I lost it all
Who can save me nowI believe that we all fall down
Sometimes, oh
Can’t you see (can’t you see)
That we all fall down
Sometimes, ohOh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeahI believe that we all fall down
Sometimes, ohh (can’t you see), yeah
Can’t you see
That we all fall down
Sometimes, oh, yeahI believe that we all fall down
Sometimes, yeah

The above is “lost it all” by the “black veil brides” I find it very fitting