mental health


This is how I feel on diazepam. When I had them before, I was buzzing my tits off, this time its taking all of my effort just to keep my eyes open. I’m only on 2mg three times a day. They are helping to take the edge off of the cyclone in my head.

Yesterday I didnt really get out of bed. I wasn’t just laying there, I was sound asleep. Even when slightly awake I couldn’t tell if I actually was. The trouble is, I didnt wake up feeling refreshed. In fact I had to force myself to get up otherwise I would still be there now.

Today I didn’t get out of bed until 10:30 and even that was a struggle. I could have stayed there all day again.

I did have some motivation. I had a twitter conversation with a lady last night in America. She is going to host one of my blogs on her site. I will let you know the details when it is live. Just to pre warn you it is a raw account of a suicide attempt.

Also another lady in Canada is hosting my whole blog site for a month. Again I will let you know when this is live.

Finally my blog is gaining some traction. Hopefully it is helping people

Please don’t forget to like and share my site. Stay strong. Martin

mental health

Chemical warfare

Thats whats going on inside my brain right now. Over the past few weeks the dose of my sertraline has changed from 50mg to 100mg to 150mg down to 50mg and now back to 100mg. Surely this can’t be good for me? The trouble is, when you call your doctors you always speak to someone different. Some believe in anxiety medication, while others don’t. I need consistency.

Sertraline belongs to a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. A class of drugs is a group of medications that work in a similar way. These drugs are often used to treat similar conditions.This drug works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in your brain, that helps maintain mental health balance. This can improve the symptoms of depression and anxiety. By changing the dose so much my brain must think what the hell is going on!

If the medical “professionals” can’t agree on the right treatment program, what chance do I have? The last two days for me have not been good. I haven’t wanted to leave me flat. It’s a shame because apparently the weather is lovely. I guess I should open my curtains really.

I’m pushing myself today. I’m going to go out on my bike and see some friends. I really wish I knew what has brought my current “episode” on. I’ve never been this bad before and I’m determined to never get like this again. As soon as everything has settled down hopefully I will have a clearer picture in my mind.

Not doing much to bulletproof myself am I?

mental health

Bed day/bad day

Yup, that’s today. I feel dreadful. Overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I’m laying in bed so I’m not in any danger or stressful situation. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have to take my car to the Peugeot dealers today, I wouldn’t leave my flat. Any offers to take it??

So, I’ll try to describe how this feels. I have a burning feeling in my head caused by the constant rush of adrenaline. My heart is racing. My hands are shaking. I feel sick and exhausted. Feeling like this has never lasted this long before and I’ve certainly never felt it when just laying in my bed.

I wish I could sleep until this is all over. Its horrible. I just want to get back to the usual in control, confident me that I am when I feel well. I’m still convinced that part of these intense feelings are caused by the sertraline. They have never lasted this long before.

It can only get better.

mental health

Mood changes

This literally happens in seconds. I can go from the happiest to the most depressed quicker than flicking a switch. It’s horrible. Just a simple comment from someone and I can feel instantly rejected, alone. This is one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, the one that I hate the most. I can deal with the depression, thats a constant plane, but the mood swings are on a whole different level. With my diagnosis, at least I have an understanding of what is going on inside my mind. I have a way of learning to overcome or at least live with this. It does not define who I am.

I find it hard to explain what this all actually feels like. Alongside my anxiety,  I have a burning inside my head, my heart races and I feel threatened, alone, empty. For years it has felt like I had no control with these thoughts and feelings, I now know thats not true. Its a case of going with the feelings, acknowledging that they are there and letting them go. Sounds easy right? Well after years of thinking “this is just how I am”, its going to take some time to change. Watch me, I will change, trust me

I watched an amazing video on twitter last night by the former hollyoaks actor Joe Tracini. He has made lots of videos explaining what it is like to live with borderline personality disorder. I encourage you to check him out. He can explain it far better than I can.

mental health

My diagnosis

So here is apparently what is wrong with me and how it affects my daily life.

I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist and told the following. I have borderline personalty disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression. Apart from the above, I have and underactive thyroid and Pernicious anemia, both of which have big effect on mental health.

Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Symptoms of borderline personality include being emotionally unstable, having upsetting thoughts and acting without thinking. The main treatment for borderline personality disorder is a type of talking therapy called psychotherapy. The cause of borderline personality disorder is unclear. It’s been linked to traumatic events during childhood, such as neglect or abuse. Basically, I don’t see and react to people and situations in the same way as most people. Things easily get blown out of all proportion. Its horrible.

Generalised anxiety disorder is where you feel anxious most of the time. Symptoms of generalised anxiety disorder vary from person to person, but include constant worrying, a sense of dread and difficulty concentrating.Things like exercising more and drinking less alcohol can help with generalised anxiety disorder. Treatments include talking therapies and medicines. This can literally consume me. I hide it very well by laughing and joking all the time.

Clinical depression is the more-severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. The feeling of low mood and helplessness can last for months on end. It’s horrible.

An underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) is where your thyroid gland does not produce enough hormones. Common signs of an underactive thyroid are tiredness, weight gain and feeling depressed. One bonus is medical exemption (free prescriptions).

Last but not least is my old friend Pernicious anemia. This is a chronic form of low B12 that can have serious consequences on health if left untreated long-term. However, because symptoms of the condition typically look like other common conditions, it’s often misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety. So not actually linked to anxiety/depression, but presenting similar symptoms.

In summary, I’m fighting an up hill battle. I know there are people far worse off than myself, but I wanted to give you all a little insight.

If you like what you have read, please like, share and follow. Stay positive. Martin.